Sunday, December 30, 2012

Okay Mr. Goldilocks! Get Rid Of It!! NOW!!!

I tried real hard not to post on this topic, because the last time I had something to say to the male species I ended up abusing them here. The hate mails and the death threats that followed thereafter were too much for me to handle. Once bitten, twice shy - no? No! Not really! I can't help but make some noise actually.

I've always wanted to understand men and their weird habits. You know. Like why do they leave wet towels on the bed. Why can't they cap the toothpaste tube. Why their socks don't stay in the shoes. Or at least near the shoes. Why do they exaggerate. Why do they obsess so much with the size, the color and the number. Why do they scratch. Especially in public. How come they remember so many things about sports like whose wearing which jersey, who kicked whom and where, who was head butted by whom and at what second of the day, who bedded whom but absolutely nothing about the conversation that took place ten minutes back. Don't get me started on birthdays and anniversaries! Why do they snore. Okay! I am taking snoring and other bodily noises off the list - it seems I do it too. I know! I didn't believe it either. Until my brother filmed a nasty audio clip of me snoring away to glory and posted it somewhere on the wild, wild web! Argh! Anyway. Getting back to men. I don't understand why do they throw such a tantrum every time someone has something constructive to say to them. Just listen to us at times, you know? We aren't obnoxious Cruella de Vils set out to ruin you and your already pathetic life! Some of us women are real good people. Some.

My mission impossible to understand men starts with the big question - what is it with men and the unkempt look? Really? What is it? 

You say it makes you look more handsome? It drives women crazy? Yeah right! It drives me crazy enough to come after you with an axe and get you to be a human minus the wild forest you're growing down under your chin, you frizzy grizzly bear!

A friend told me that he keeps it 'coz it makes him look older than he is and thus makes him wise. Really? First-of-all why in the blue world do you wanna look older than you are? We, the women folk try everything under the sun both legal and illegal to look younger. And you? What is it with you guys? I don't get it at all!

Another reason I hear quite often is the virility thingy men keep throwing at us women. More hair equals more male hormones equals more masculinity equals more kids equals more blah blah! I say enough! Enough of this crap you've been screeching on top of your baritone voices since ages! My clean shaven cubicle mate at work has fathered more kids than the bearded Osama Bin Laden could ever have imagined or even attempted. So, please! Cut the crap!

You know, there is a reason 'unkempt' is called unkempt. The dictionary defines unkempt as a person having an untidy or disheveled appearance. Now you really wanna do that to yourself? Really?

The other day, I was out with my brother. My brother belongs to the muuch nahi toh kuch nahi category and has done quite a commendable job on his mustache and beard! We ordered something to eat. And then - I was really irritated to see him feeding his beard generous amount of mayonnaise and sauce. And he was blissfully unaware until I pointed out to him that he needed some cleaning. You buy stuff and then feed it to your beard instead of your mouth and then make a complete spectacle out of yourself? That too in public? Think about it. Do you really want that to happen? Your soul mate could be out in the crowd and do you want her or him to behold you in a state of complete unawareness? No? Grab a pair of scissors and chuck that beard then!

Okay. Are you some sorta sadist who likes to torture people? Then why do you torture your partner by making him or her kiss a needle stubbled porcupine like you? Did you know most divorce cases these days are due to the unbearable pain caused by the thorny thing you call a stubble? Okay - I made that up! But why take a risk Mr. Stubble?

Anyway. Do you know? That keeping a beard only increases the risks of creepy crawlies growing on your stuff? Real women don't dig on that! Nor on the silk worms you've been growing on your goatee. Not even the catterpillar. Don't you even dare ask me about the butterfly! Now! Do you really want that? You want women to dig up a grave for you rather than they diggin on you? Think about it!

And you know what. We girls are brought up believing that guys with beards and stuff are actually uncles on the prowl preying on innocent children. Little girls and boys alike. You know. The pedophiles? Now do you want us to think of you like that? Uncle??

Honestly, we have nothing against beards - just that we prefer it on select individuals. Say Baba Ramdev for one. Rubeus Hagrid for two. Do you intend becoming the next Baba? Or Hagrid? If yes, keep the stubble on dude! Else, go find the nearest barber! NOW! We don't want our partners or dates to be mistaken for a Ramdev Baba! Or Hagrid! No! Never!

Okay. Enough said. Enough done. All I wanna say is that open your eyes. Smell the coffee! Learn from the lessons life throws at you. Legend has it that Bella chose the silky-smooth Edward over the hairy-bairy Jacob. Need I say more? Clean shaved guys win hands down! Period. It's now up to you to decide my friend!

Oh! C'mon! Don't make such a fuss! Sissy! We aren't asking you to wax and thread and bleach and screech! Just shave! Too much to ask for, eh mister?

And if all of the above hasn't convinced you to get rid of the stubble yet, then lemme remind you - we women are awesome drama queens with an additional PhD in mind games. We have many other tricks up our sleeve to make you get rid of the stubble. The silent treatment is one! Nagging is another. The annoying smirk. Taunts. Sarcasm. You scared? Already? Wait till we open our tool box! And there'll be no turning back then buddy!

This post is a part of the ‘Shave or Crave’ movement in association with, the biggest community of Indian Bloggers. The BlogAdda page is here.

This post is also me trying to understand the male species. They say we women never try to understand them, so.

P.S: There is NO way we're going out with a guy who looks like this, UNGLE!!!

P.P.S: No amount of buttering is gonna make me link you to that nasty video! And don't you dare ask my brother, okay? 

P.P.P.S: My clean shaven cubicle mate is on a long leave! Yeah! You guessed it right. He's on the family planning leave! Again!

P.P.P.P.S: Ouch! This post stung? Wait till you read this one! You'll bleed to death!


  1. LMAO! This is such a funny post. Thanks for making me smile. I'm not a big fan of beards, myself, even though hubby did have one for a few years.

    1. :) Thanks Debbie! I am glad you liked it. Me a fan neither! :P
      I hope your hubby is clean shaven now. Else, make him read this! ;)

  2. I love my husband's clean shaven look, but that's because he looks like Charlie Chaplin when he grows facial hair :P

    However, I must admit that there are other men who look like jokers without their stubble... the quantity of stubble might be directly proportional to their levels of confidence. Best to stay away from them if you don't like it =)

    The post was a laugh, though!

    1. I hope he din't read that! ;) Well, this post is supposed to be fuuny and to be taken lightly! I am glad it did it! :)

  3. hahahaha!!! From one sarcasm queen to another - you ROCK!!! Awesome post ... all the best!

    1. Hehehe :D Sarcasm works, all the time! :P Thanks a tonne! :)


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