Pay It Forward

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Neha, a young executive was nervously biting her nails. She had been sitting outside the adoption center for almost an hour now. And she was running out of patience. She had rehearsed the answers for all the questions the panelists may throw at her. Neha, you're next. The volunteer called out her name and ushered her in.

They scanned her body language to discern if she fit the bill. She was getting uncomfortable with the piercing looks, but she faked a smile. She was here with a purpose and she decided she wouldn't leave without getting it done. It was her only hope.

Soon flew in a string of questions disturbing her trail of thoughts. You are 35 and unmarried. You used to be an alcoholic. You live alone. Why do you wish to adopt? Are you sure you will be able to devote your time to the child? What if you regret it tomorrow?

Neha was prepared to answer all these questions. However, she never realised they would get to know about her alcoholic past. She smiled and calmly answered all their questions one by one. Yes, I am 35 and unmarried. Yes, I used to be an alcoholic. Yes, I live alone. Yes, I wish to adopt. Yes, I am sure I will be able to devote ample time to my child. And no, I won't regret it ever.

As if the panelists would fall for such a simple answer. They smirked at her. And that is when Neha rose from her seat walked towards the panelists and said, You want to know why I am 35 and unmarried? Why I used to drink? Why I live alone? Why I wish to adopt? Why I will make sure I will devote ample time to my child? Why I wont regret this decision? She didn't wait for the board to reply. She went ahead and narrated her story.

My mom married a man who was an alcoholic. I have seen the way he treated her. He treated her like crap. And I have seen her bear it all in silence. Inspite of the hardships she went through, she managed to bring me up single handedly and gave me the best upbringing I could ever imagine. She educated me, taught me values and respect. Everything that I could ever dream of. All that I am is because of her. My respect for her grew day by day and at the same rate, grew my hatred for my father. One day, I saw my father beating up my mom as she was sleeping. I was only 12 then. I wanted to run away with my mother somewhere. But I couldn't. That day I resolved that I would never marry and would take care of my mother for the rest of my life. That I would study hard and get a good job and give her the good life she never had. She turned to the panelists, looked them in the eye and said, and that is WHY I am 35 and still unmarried. She went on, Yes, I used to drink. I thought if I started drinking, my dad would stop. He didn't. It made no difference to him. Actually, I never meant anything to him. I thought I would be able to change him. But I wasn't able to. All I managed to do was add to my mother's woes. And so I gave up drinking. Just like I gave up on my father. Just like I gave up on men. She paused and drank a sip of water as she wiped a tear from her left eye. She continued, Yes, I live alone. Why? Well, because my mother passed away last year. And I have no one else left. And hey - did I tell you about my dad? Well, he passed away five years back. So right now, I am an orphan in this big, big world. That is why I live alone. The panelists were now intently looking at this young 35 year old young woman. Picturing how tough life has been with her. At that very moment, Neha broke the silence and said, I wish to adopt because I have seen what my mother has done for me. I was never able to pay her back. I think I will be able to pay her back by making someone else's life beautiful. Just like she made mine. This is the only way I can pay her back. I can pay it forward. And I know I will do a good job at it. I wish to share my life with someone, and I wish that someone is a little girl with whom I can relive my lost childhood once again. And I know I would never regret it. That's all I have to say.

Neha sat back on the chair and looked at the panelists. They smiled and were happy to see someone who wanted to make someone else's life beautiful. They gestured to the volunteer in the room, who got a little three year old girl from the next room. Her name is Nisa, would you like to take her home? Asked one of the panelist. Neha was delighted to see Nisa. Nisa was happy too. Neha nodded her head and said yes. She couldn't contain her joy. She promptly completed all the formalities. And a week later, she walked back from the orphanage with Nisa in her arms to make her one bedroom house, a home.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers 
by BlogAdda.

Innocence Lost

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She hated going to college. Everyone teased her. Everyone. Everyone called her names. Everyone. Everyone thought she was weird. Everyone. Even the professors. 

Home was no different. Her parents hated her. They counted her as a curse. They didn't wanna put up with her anymore.

As for her, she hated herself and her life pretty much as everyone else did. She found solace in the cigarettes she smoked and the silent sobs that she wept. She knew she was weird. She knew she was different. But she wasn't to blame, was she? She hoped that her parents would understand her; but no, they didn't. They blamed her for no fault of hers. Absolutely no fault of hers.

As she recalled that fateful day when she was a five year old little girl. She was normal. Then. She isn't now. That fateful day changed everything. Everything.

It was the holiday season and her family was spending the vacations at a relative's place. It was almost twilight. The festive season was in the air. She was completely lost in the gaiety of the festive season. Giggling and laughing and running around like a normal five year old girl. And that is when it happened. Her uncle called out to her. He was her favorite uncle. One - he was damn good looking. Yeah! Even at five, she looked out for good looking men from her innocent eyes. Two - he made her laugh! That was all she ever wanted. Ever! But the uncle wanted more. Much more. He called out to her and told her that he had something for her. She ran to his room. He called her close to him and held out a toy wrapped up in paper. It was a doll. She loved dolls. She thanked him and started playing with in like most five year old girls. And that is when she sensed something. Something was definitely wrong. She knew it. But she was too scared to move or to speak. She was numb. As if someone had cast a spell on her. She couldn't feel her voice. It was as if her throat had dried up. She wanted to scream but her voice ditched her. It was as if she was stoned. She couldn't move. She just couldn't. And then she heard a voice. It was the uncle. He gave her a hug and said to her, I hope you liked what uncle did! Just don't tell anyone, alright? And he smiled. She was still numb. She didn't know what to do. With whatever courage and strength she had in her, she ran to her parent's room. She hugged her mom tight and went off to sleep. She didn't breathe a word of what had happened. Just don't tell anyone, alright? Those words still echoed in her head. She closed her eyes tight and went off to sleep hoping it was all a dream and that she would be a new person the next morning.

The next morning came. And her wish was granted. She was a new person. Indeed. She felt it. She sensed it. She knew it. She lived it. Her outlook towards life changed. Her life changed. She changed. It seemed like she had lost her childhood. It seemed like she matured overnight. Like she had lost something. Like she had scarred herself. Lost her childhood. Lost her smile. Lost her laughter. Lost her innocence. Lost herself. Lost her life. Lost a reason to be alive. She wished she could change all that happened. She wished she could return back to where she was. She wished she could return to innocence.

Since that day, she hated toys. She hated boys. She hated dolls. She hated life. She hated men. And she hated her uncle. He had done a horrible thing to her. Horrible. Something she just couldn't forget. She blamed herself for everything. She blamed herself for her fate. She blamed herself for being gay. She hated herself. She hated life.

If she only knew that she wasn't to be blamed. If only. Only if.

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers 
by BlogAdda.

If you ever been abused as a child or as an adult, please don't blame yourself. It isn't YOUR fault! 

And parents - never leave your kids alone with uncles or aunties. NEVER EVER!!